Chicago Trip

Hi.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything and I apologize. My friend Justin has claimed my Blog is going the way of most Blogs: Nowhere.

But here’s what I say to you Justin: At least I shower on a regular basis.

That said, it has been somewhat stressful preparing for the Chicago move (I actually just typed “Chicago trip” and then it occurred to me this isn’t a TRIP, it’s a damn MOVE, not a damn TRIP. Now I have a title for my Blog entry.)

My car broke down on Monday after leaving my 5:30 one-hour Step Class. I had gone about a block, and I was sitting at the light at Alameda and Leetsdale, listening to a very funny voicemail from my friend Michelle (yes, THE Michelle Miracle), and then my car stopped running.
“Oh. My car stopped”, I thought and then tried the engine again and again and again, and nothing. Nada. Zip. These things don’t tend to throw me, since I have always owned VW’s, and I am used to them breaking down, except this was the first time my Passat had really broken down. (Ah, the joys of owning a 1969 VW Bug, 1983 and 1989 Jetta – talk about car hell.) Meanwhile, I start noticing the traffic piling up behind me, despite the fact that I had just put on my hazards and my car was not moving. Just a note for those of you who aren’t clear on stalled-car protocol:

If a car is sitting at a green light AND not moving AND it has its hazards on, then assume something is wrong and you should GO AROUND their car instead of sitting there like some dumbass.

I absolutely loved the people who honked at me while I was calling for help. I could almost hear them behind me: “Damn you, person in a VW Passat, for making your timing belt break right at the light when I wasn’t paying attention and didn’t notice your hazards were blinking for a good 3 minutes and then got frustrated because I missed my opportunity to go around because I was busy talking on the phone to my friend who wants me to go to this lame club in LoDo tonight, and I am not sure if I want to go, because I did just break up with Mike, and I am not sure if I am ready or not to date again, but then again I need to get out and meet some new people, especially since I just bought those hot red patent sling backs from Aldo, and HEY, your car is stalled and it’s in my way! HONK!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Fortunately, I have AAA and knowing that I was stranded and blocking traffic, they showed up in a 52 minutes.

FIFTY TWO MINUTES. I could have bought 6 pairs of shoes in 52 minutes, Jesus. I met my soul mate within 5 minutes the other night. In 30 minutes, you can watch “The Office”, with 22 minutes left over to start to get into “Medium” and realize you’ve seen this episode before. 52 minutes is a damn long time, but I was very grateful when the two truck guy showed up. Turns out the tow truck’s girlfriend is 10 years older than he is – he’s 28 and she’s 38 – and all I could think, “That must be so hot when he comes home with grease on his hands and lovin’ on his mind...YUM!” God, I love younger men. Anyway. He gave me a good tow, and took me to the garage where I was met by my much younger friend Justin (yes, the same one who needs to shower) who rescued me despite me writing a huge Blog about his personal appearance. That is indeed friendship.

So then yesterday, (God I hate Blogs where people go on about their day, but seriously, there’s a shopping tie-in here coming), my cool cell phone broke-down again. It’s the 3rd or 4th cell phone I’ve had of this exact same model, and I LOVE it, but it’s a piece of crap phone and breaks all the time, but I love it anyhow and I keep buying new ones from EBay at $200 a pop. It’s like some damn exboyfriend who cheated on you every chance he got, but you still take him back not because the sex is so great, but because you just like the way he smells. In other words, despite all evidence pointing to the fact that you need to get rid of something, you keep it in your life for a stupid reason. I keep this phone because I like it, it feels familiar, and it keeps screwing me over. Hurts so good.

But no more. I was ready to pull a Tina Turner and get out. I had to shop for a new phone.

Thing is, I HATE shopping for a cell phone.

Cell phone shopping is just stressful. It’s too big of a deal, it’s too personal, and it usually requires a multi-year commitment to bring the cost of the phone down to a still very-profitable level for the cell phone companies. I just love new cell-phone math. They attempt to show you what a great deal you will get.

See example:

Retail: $1,567.89
Mail-in Rebate: -$6.78
Instant Rebate: -$.39
Discount if you sign a 7-year agreement: -$1410.73
Cost of phone: $149.99*

*Does not include $30 activation fee, $18 upgrade fee, $9.95 for shipping, and then $50 just because we want even more money fee.

I couldn’t make up my mind on which cell phone to buy. There are so many fancy ones with cameras, video games, and voice activation crap. I had a camera phone years ago and I found myself using it to take pictures of cute dogs I saw in parking lots. As far as the voice activation feature, my mom uses it all the time, and it makes her look insane because she keeps escalating the issue when the phone doesn’t respond.

“Call Tom Home.”

Nothing.

“CALL TOM HOME”.

Nothing.

“I SAID CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL TOM HOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMME DAMNIT!”

(Phone melts from the stress of hearing my mom yell at it.)

Plus my mom wears this goofy Bluetooth wireless headset which makes her look like a Borg. My former boss wore one and he looked like a tool because he kept it on all day. He looked like he was taking orders for the Time-Life “Soul Hits of the 80’s” or something.

All I care about with my cell phone is that it has two main features: Flip-phone and syncs with Outlook. My dad doesn’t have a Flip-phone and I can’t tell you how many times he accidentally calls me. The phone rings and all I can hear are the Beach Boys and farting in the background. As far as getting it to sync with Outlook, it’s basically impossible to find a phone that does this unless you get something like a Blackberry. Fuck Blackberry and Fuck people who use a Blackberry. I’ve yet to meet a good person who uses a Blackberry. People who use a Blackberry are obsessive about their email, and abuse their power to check and reply to email at any time. They get into this game of responding to emails just to show they are responding. “Look at me, I said, ‘Thx.’ in response to your email that didn’t require a response, I am so cool!” Years ago, I thought it made me look super-competent to answer work emails at 11pm. Then I realized that it looks like you have a lot of free time because your boyfriend refuses to do you because he’s busy playing WoW, so you have to check email just to get some form of attention since you can’t figure out how to use the remote on The Rabbit.

Not able to find a phone that met all my specific needs, I finally ended up following my own advice when it comes to a purchase-impasse: When it doubt, purchase it for looks. So I bought the Motorola RAZR3 in light pink and made a 2-year commitment to bring the cost down to a mere $99.99 (with $50 mail-in rebate). I also bought the monthly insurance plan so I can do something dramatic with my phone and get a new one. Under this insurance plan, they will replace your phone if it gets stolen, lost or broken for only a $50 deductible. When they told me that, I immediately pictured myself standing by some river in Chicago, with the wind and rain blowing my long dark hair into my face, as I gripped my black Prada coat around me saying to my new boyfriend I met on Match.com, “This means nothing to me! It’s just a phone! I love only you!” and then tossing it in the water to show just how much I love that man I barely know, but thinking in the back of my head, “Okay, that just cost me $50, but maybe I’ll get a big ring out of it because him seeing me throw away a light-pink RAZR3 is a pretty impressive move when it comes to love.”

The phone arrives in 3-5 business days, my car should be fixed today around 5pm at the mere cost of $1000+, and thanks to my friend Chris, my Vespa is now running again.

Chicago is getting closer, and no matter what, I am going. My scooter broke, my car broke, and my cell phone broke, but I won’t be broken.

She tosses her Passat, Vespa and light-pink RAZR3 into the cold and wet river, never looking back...

- A