I want to buy Simon LeBon
I’ve been in love with Simon LeBon for 21 years now. TWENTY ONE YEARS. That is a very long time to carry a torch. And while I may have dated others, and possibly told them I loved them, I’ve remained single and ultimately loyal to my love for him.
21 yeas ago, I had no means to buy him. But now as I am getting older, I am getting to a point where I can easily take a loan out of my 401K to purchase him. I believe in the IRS code there is a small and relatively unknown clause that could enable my dream: “You may take a one-time loan without penalty from your 401K to purchase Simon LeBon.” Fortunately for me, few people seem to have exercised their rights under this law.
I know that he’s married to that ex-model Yemen, Yurkim, Yansink or whatever her name is. (I know I can easily find out her name, but screw that, she’s my competition.) I know they have like 3 kids, but from the little research I’ve done, apparently he’s not faithful to her. Woo hoo! And you know when men aren’t faithful, this means they are unhappy, and it means they would want someone like me – someone who could fill them up and make them feel good about themselves in ways their wives never could. I am just that special. I can make men who lack a strong moral core turn against the women they promised to love and cherish.
I know you’re thinking, “Why in the world would you want a man who would cheat on his wife?” Good thought, but you seem to forget that once Simon met me, it would be all over – the cheating that is. Again, I am just that special. He would look into my eyes, and realize that this great love he’s been feeling for the past 21 years, yet could never quite place, was the love coming from me, from my heart, from my soul. He would look deep into my eyes, totally ignoring my cellulite, and tell me he loved only me.
Of course, this will all happen once I am able to buy him. Like most things in life, you have to get your proverbial foot in the door, and when it comes to Simon, I think cold hard cash will do the trick. Once I’m in, it will be a Chutes ‘n Ladders kind of move to his heart. I am really, seriously, special.
Everything in life can be bought. And I want to buy Simon LeBon.
- A
21 yeas ago, I had no means to buy him. But now as I am getting older, I am getting to a point where I can easily take a loan out of my 401K to purchase him. I believe in the IRS code there is a small and relatively unknown clause that could enable my dream: “You may take a one-time loan without penalty from your 401K to purchase Simon LeBon.” Fortunately for me, few people seem to have exercised their rights under this law.
I know that he’s married to that ex-model Yemen, Yurkim, Yansink or whatever her name is. (I know I can easily find out her name, but screw that, she’s my competition.) I know they have like 3 kids, but from the little research I’ve done, apparently he’s not faithful to her. Woo hoo! And you know when men aren’t faithful, this means they are unhappy, and it means they would want someone like me – someone who could fill them up and make them feel good about themselves in ways their wives never could. I am just that special. I can make men who lack a strong moral core turn against the women they promised to love and cherish.
I know you’re thinking, “Why in the world would you want a man who would cheat on his wife?” Good thought, but you seem to forget that once Simon met me, it would be all over – the cheating that is. Again, I am just that special. He would look into my eyes, and realize that this great love he’s been feeling for the past 21 years, yet could never quite place, was the love coming from me, from my heart, from my soul. He would look deep into my eyes, totally ignoring my cellulite, and tell me he loved only me.
Of course, this will all happen once I am able to buy him. Like most things in life, you have to get your proverbial foot in the door, and when it comes to Simon, I think cold hard cash will do the trick. Once I’m in, it will be a Chutes ‘n Ladders kind of move to his heart. I am really, seriously, special.
Everything in life can be bought. And I want to buy Simon LeBon.
- A
posted by Ashley at 6:54 AM
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