Famous.
After work tonight, I went shopping at Safeway. As I walked down the aisles looking for more PepsiOne (I ran out today; I’m lucky to still be alive!), I could feel all sorts of people watching me. But watching me in a way that made it seem like they weren’t watching me, you know? Like I knew they were watching, but they were being so sly about it that it was almost as-if they didn’t know they were watching me when they really were.
And this is when it hit me: I am famous.
I’ve tried to deny this fact for years, even as my fame skyrocketed as the fabulous and funny co-host of Freak Train. But tonight there was no escaping the truth: I was famous and I needed to start finally paying attention to the truth which was now my life.
I realized that I would need to get a personal chef fairly soon. Given that I have about 30+ lbs to lose – even though I am sure this is one of the many traits that make me beloved by so many – I know that to really keep on top of my game, I will need to keep myself trim. I know that it will take me months to find the right person to play that critical role of cook to a well-known persona, so I bought some brownie mix because I know that once I am on the star diet plan, no more brownie mix for me! Ah, the sacrifices of fame.
I will also need a personal trainer. I am used to this, having been trained by the fabulous and talented trainers at 24-hour Fitness. Those two training sessions I got for free when I signed up for a 3-year commitment at $20/month to work out in a place that doesn’t even supply paper towels really changed my life. During those two 50-minute sessions, I learned a lot about why men really do like strippers, how to make my butt tighter, and that in certain positions, you can see my underwear. Trainers are the key to the success of any good famous person. I am definitely buying a package at 24-hour-Fitness. Hopefully I can train when the place is closed so I don’t have to deal with the people staring at me while I sweat.
I will also need a personal shopper, personal stylist, and personal masseuse. I will also hire two therapists – one to help me deal with the Real Ashley, and the other to deal with what the public sees – these are two distinct personalities, and it’s important that both get their own time on “The Couch”. Ha. Ha. Ha. Like I’d really lie down on a couch. Talk about messing up your hair.
This was a lot to take in at Safeway, especially when you know people are staring at you in a way that makes it seem like they don’t even notice you. I went over to produce to try and find some quiet place to think, but of course, I was accosted by another fan, but this one was very verbal. He asked me if I needed “help” and then said if I had any “questions” he would “be there” to answer any questions. Oh yeah, like people really need to ask questions about produce. Come on.
Which leads me to this: If you want to talk to a famous person, don’t try making up some sort of weird cover to hide the fact that you are completely obsessed with them and want to just be near their person. Like the produce guy was just so pathetic – I almost said to him, “Look, don’t pretend like you don’t know who I am – you think I can’t tell what you mean when you tell me the tomatoes on the vine are on ‘sale’ at 10 lbs for $10? I mean, come on, I’m FAMOUS.” But being the kind person I am, and remembering what it was like to be one of the unknowns, I let it go. When life gives you the gifts life has given me, you gotta Pay it Forward, you know?
Anyway, so once I finally navigated myself through the throngs of people who acted like didn’t know I existed (YEAH RIGHT), I got up to the checkout stand. I was looking at “Us” magazine, and though I didn’t see myself on the cover – or any other cover of any magazine – I knew that if I were just to flip through a few pages, I’d be right there. A lot of times they don’t want to put people like me on the cover because why give something like me away for free? I realized tonight that I’m the kind of celebrity they bury deep in the magazine because they know that readers will dig for information on people like me, and guess what? That means they READ the ads in the quest just to see one little image of me. I mean, we’ve all seen Jennifer Aniston – big deal. It’s me – Ashley Vinson – that truly sells these things. The irony is that a lot of times, even though the reader has spent hours scouring the mag for just one little tidbit on me, they will find ASBOLUTELY NOTHING. Oh those publishers can be so cruel! Seriously, there should be some regulations on this type of thing.
I just looked at the magazines because I could tell the checker – and everyone else within a 100-foot radius – was watching me to see what magazine I would pick. And that’s the thing: As a celebrity, I realized you have to be careful which products you endorse. Had I bought “Us” over “People”, my publicist, whom I still need to hire, would have thrown a fit! Imagine it getting back to “People” that I was reading “Us” and not “People”? Let’s just say it would make a lot harder to get only the green M&M’s. You gotta think of the consequences of your actions when you’re a public figure – a lesson Tom Cruise still needs to learn. (And what is up with Katie Holmes? Who wants to be with a man that you always have to wear flats?)
Once I was finally able to check-out – I had to wait behind some other woman tonight, while the checker pretended not to know who I was. She wouldn’t rush that other woman, and even went through the motions of doing a price check just to make it really authentic. People are so weird. When I finally went up to pay, she told me my money was no good. She said, “Your card was declined”. I smiled and winked at her and said, “I bet it was...” so I pulled out some cash. I mean, I am not going to be one of those famous people who expect to get things for free, no matter how much people want to give it to me. Sure, I’ll take an Oscar basket or two, but us famous types should pay for groceries – I mean, really. It’s not like I can go into InStyle and tell them how much I enjoy Safeway – if you’re going to take something for free, you should at least wear it on one photo shoot, or at the very least, give it away to the crew. After paying the pretending checker woman, who seemed upset at having to make a celebrity like me pay (fortunately I had it all in coin format – much easier to store in the cash register), I was able to make it to my car without my photograph being taken. Well, I don’t think it was taken. Those paparazzi tend to like to use those night-goggle thingies, and I am sure they were using their specially equipped camera to capture an image of me at the grocery store. These people seriously need to get a life. I mean, I know they make bank for just one good photo of me, and I am certainly someone who gives off more than one good photo no matter what the angle/lighting – but still. It’s so predatory.
I am so glad to be home now and able to write in my private Blog about these things. People don’t realize how hard it is to be famous and shopping at Safeway tonight, I learned the lesson the hard way. I can only imagine what Nordstrom is going to be like. Jesus, I hope they at least provide me with a security escort. You hardly want a crowd situation at the Chanel counter. People can get hurt.
- A
And this is when it hit me: I am famous.
I’ve tried to deny this fact for years, even as my fame skyrocketed as the fabulous and funny co-host of Freak Train. But tonight there was no escaping the truth: I was famous and I needed to start finally paying attention to the truth which was now my life.
I realized that I would need to get a personal chef fairly soon. Given that I have about 30+ lbs to lose – even though I am sure this is one of the many traits that make me beloved by so many – I know that to really keep on top of my game, I will need to keep myself trim. I know that it will take me months to find the right person to play that critical role of cook to a well-known persona, so I bought some brownie mix because I know that once I am on the star diet plan, no more brownie mix for me! Ah, the sacrifices of fame.
I will also need a personal trainer. I am used to this, having been trained by the fabulous and talented trainers at 24-hour Fitness. Those two training sessions I got for free when I signed up for a 3-year commitment at $20/month to work out in a place that doesn’t even supply paper towels really changed my life. During those two 50-minute sessions, I learned a lot about why men really do like strippers, how to make my butt tighter, and that in certain positions, you can see my underwear. Trainers are the key to the success of any good famous person. I am definitely buying a package at 24-hour-Fitness. Hopefully I can train when the place is closed so I don’t have to deal with the people staring at me while I sweat.
I will also need a personal shopper, personal stylist, and personal masseuse. I will also hire two therapists – one to help me deal with the Real Ashley, and the other to deal with what the public sees – these are two distinct personalities, and it’s important that both get their own time on “The Couch”. Ha. Ha. Ha. Like I’d really lie down on a couch. Talk about messing up your hair.
This was a lot to take in at Safeway, especially when you know people are staring at you in a way that makes it seem like they don’t even notice you. I went over to produce to try and find some quiet place to think, but of course, I was accosted by another fan, but this one was very verbal. He asked me if I needed “help” and then said if I had any “questions” he would “be there” to answer any questions. Oh yeah, like people really need to ask questions about produce. Come on.
Which leads me to this: If you want to talk to a famous person, don’t try making up some sort of weird cover to hide the fact that you are completely obsessed with them and want to just be near their person. Like the produce guy was just so pathetic – I almost said to him, “Look, don’t pretend like you don’t know who I am – you think I can’t tell what you mean when you tell me the tomatoes on the vine are on ‘sale’ at 10 lbs for $10? I mean, come on, I’m FAMOUS.” But being the kind person I am, and remembering what it was like to be one of the unknowns, I let it go. When life gives you the gifts life has given me, you gotta Pay it Forward, you know?
Anyway, so once I finally navigated myself through the throngs of people who acted like didn’t know I existed (YEAH RIGHT), I got up to the checkout stand. I was looking at “Us” magazine, and though I didn’t see myself on the cover – or any other cover of any magazine – I knew that if I were just to flip through a few pages, I’d be right there. A lot of times they don’t want to put people like me on the cover because why give something like me away for free? I realized tonight that I’m the kind of celebrity they bury deep in the magazine because they know that readers will dig for information on people like me, and guess what? That means they READ the ads in the quest just to see one little image of me. I mean, we’ve all seen Jennifer Aniston – big deal. It’s me – Ashley Vinson – that truly sells these things. The irony is that a lot of times, even though the reader has spent hours scouring the mag for just one little tidbit on me, they will find ASBOLUTELY NOTHING. Oh those publishers can be so cruel! Seriously, there should be some regulations on this type of thing.
I just looked at the magazines because I could tell the checker – and everyone else within a 100-foot radius – was watching me to see what magazine I would pick. And that’s the thing: As a celebrity, I realized you have to be careful which products you endorse. Had I bought “Us” over “People”, my publicist, whom I still need to hire, would have thrown a fit! Imagine it getting back to “People” that I was reading “Us” and not “People”? Let’s just say it would make a lot harder to get only the green M&M’s. You gotta think of the consequences of your actions when you’re a public figure – a lesson Tom Cruise still needs to learn. (And what is up with Katie Holmes? Who wants to be with a man that you always have to wear flats?)
Once I was finally able to check-out – I had to wait behind some other woman tonight, while the checker pretended not to know who I was. She wouldn’t rush that other woman, and even went through the motions of doing a price check just to make it really authentic. People are so weird. When I finally went up to pay, she told me my money was no good. She said, “Your card was declined”. I smiled and winked at her and said, “I bet it was...” so I pulled out some cash. I mean, I am not going to be one of those famous people who expect to get things for free, no matter how much people want to give it to me. Sure, I’ll take an Oscar basket or two, but us famous types should pay for groceries – I mean, really. It’s not like I can go into InStyle and tell them how much I enjoy Safeway – if you’re going to take something for free, you should at least wear it on one photo shoot, or at the very least, give it away to the crew. After paying the pretending checker woman, who seemed upset at having to make a celebrity like me pay (fortunately I had it all in coin format – much easier to store in the cash register), I was able to make it to my car without my photograph being taken. Well, I don’t think it was taken. Those paparazzi tend to like to use those night-goggle thingies, and I am sure they were using their specially equipped camera to capture an image of me at the grocery store. These people seriously need to get a life. I mean, I know they make bank for just one good photo of me, and I am certainly someone who gives off more than one good photo no matter what the angle/lighting – but still. It’s so predatory.
I am so glad to be home now and able to write in my private Blog about these things. People don’t realize how hard it is to be famous and shopping at Safeway tonight, I learned the lesson the hard way. I can only imagine what Nordstrom is going to be like. Jesus, I hope they at least provide me with a security escort. You hardly want a crowd situation at the Chanel counter. People can get hurt.
- A
posted by Ashley at 11:18 PM
3 Comments:
You, my friend, are the biggest dork EVER!
And coming from ME, that's saying a lot!
At least I don't have stickers saying "Ashley Vinson Fan Club".
I am getting them soon, though.
I'm hoping to someday cash in on your fame by....um....well, I haven't gotten that far yet. But I'll find a way. Maybe I'll sell emails from you to the tabloids! That's a good start.
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