Target: Couples
I really hate couples shopping in Target.
I went to Target Sunday night to buy some groceries and calm down. I’ve been having a very stressful past two weeks, and for those of you who don’t know why, I am not going to bore you with the trite ramblings of a woman who is shifting her entire personal paradigm – let’s just say I am going to have to choose which shoes are important to me, okay?
That said, I look at Target as one of my Mecca’s – a place where I can go and regroup and reenergize and truly find myself. I know many of are you thinking “Wow, I thought Ashley was a shopping snob and only did Nordstrom.” Well, duh, of course I love Nordstrom, please. But a girl needs to buy her groceries and white t-shirts somewhere. Plus I’ve loved Target (along with Red Robin and that damn Teriyaki Chicken Burger) since I was 15 years old - WAAAY back before that Mr. Mizrahi even KNEW what Target was about. Girl, Target is my homeshop.
If you’ve never been to Target, well, that’s just insane. It’s like saying you’ve never been in the pool or had oral sex at work. It makes one wonder what your parents did to mess you up. EVERYONE has gone to Target. And if you’re one of those people who shops at Wal-Mart or God forbid, K-mart, you shouldn’t even be reading my blog because there’s no way you can relate. So go, shoo, shoo, go read someone’s NASCAR or “Stamping is Fun!” blog.
Anyway, Target is truly this wonderful place that is able to give you a good price on things without you feeling like a bargain shopper. It’s like sleeping with a prostitute that tells you they love you. You know what you’re doing is inherently wrong, but somehow they make you feel good about it. Like I would normally HATE buying Target clothes, and I certainly don’t buy anything that looks specifically Target – you know, like anything that someone would look at and say, “Hey, didn’t you get that at...?” No. I only buy the basics there, the type of thing you wouldn’t necessarily nail down as Target, and I don't feel bad about myself. If an item has some design to it, then I just buy the Real Thing at Nordstrom or something. There’s just some things you don’t skimp on – purses and prostitutes. Always get the best you can afford.
Point is, Target is a wonderful place where one can lose hours, maybe even days, just wandering down the well-organized and well-lit aisles. It’s one of those stores which helps you see things you didn’t even know you needed. Like on Sunday, I walked away with two pairs of pink rabbit ears. I would have NEVER sought out rabbit ears on my own, but suddenly seeing those in Target made me realize just what I was missing. Now I wear them everyday when I drive, and there isn’t one person who won’t let me get over. No more blinker for me, thankyouverymuch!
Target is a place that not only improves your life, but you are actually a better person because you shop there.
But back to my original point: I hate couples shopping in Target.
“Why?” you might ask.
Not only because they are taking up space in one my all-time favorite places, but because they’re annoying. They walk slow. They linger over pickle choices. They stop and talk to other couples in the aisles, making it harder for me to get to my Dole canned Pineapple Chunks in Its Own Juice. They say cute things to each other as I am trying to buy my Yoplait Light Banana Crème yogurt. And worst of all, they make me feel guilty when I am trying to buy low-calorie ice cream around them because I know they are thinking, “We know you’re single because you’re a big fat ass.” Giggle, giggle, giggle!
Yeah, fuck you, CouplePeople.
Don’t get me wrong. I get it. I have actually been the other half of a couple. I’ve actually been one of those people who have to sit on the same side as my beloved in a booth. I have actually gone to the ballet with him and rested my head on his shoulder, with him then resting his head on my head. I have even searched out just a part of his foot with my foot in the bed just so I could be touching part of him as I fell asleep.
But we never shopped at Target together. We knew where to draw the line: Making out in public with some over the blouse action is NOTHING compared to asking in a public store, "Honey, do we have enough milk at home?" GROSS. Get a room!
And so there I was Sunday night at Target, rushing around so I could get back home in time to watch the new episode of “Desperate Housewives” (I love when the men have to take off their shirts in that show! Thank you, ABC!), and those damn CouplePeople were blocking my way in all their “Oh, we’re living together, oh, we’re playing house, oh, what pickles should be pick, shnookums, oh oh oh...” Puke.
There needs to be a couple-free night at Target. You have to come in ALONE and do your shopping like a NORMAL person. Jesus, who wants to grocery shop together? It takes SO LONG. And if you must go together – because you’re on of those poor hippy couples that only has one BioDiesel powered car between the two of you – then friggin’ split up and be efficient about it, for God’s sakes. Let him get the milk, you get the bread, etc. You don’t have to hold hands while choosing what tampon you’re going to buy.
I just really hate couples. And to have them in MY Target, my home, my safe place, is just too much. Get out CouplePeople, get out. Find your own stores. You have the nice loving relationship, you have the happiness and sex - at least give the rest of us Target. It’s the least you could do.
- A
I went to Target Sunday night to buy some groceries and calm down. I’ve been having a very stressful past two weeks, and for those of you who don’t know why, I am not going to bore you with the trite ramblings of a woman who is shifting her entire personal paradigm – let’s just say I am going to have to choose which shoes are important to me, okay?
That said, I look at Target as one of my Mecca’s – a place where I can go and regroup and reenergize and truly find myself. I know many of are you thinking “Wow, I thought Ashley was a shopping snob and only did Nordstrom.” Well, duh, of course I love Nordstrom, please. But a girl needs to buy her groceries and white t-shirts somewhere. Plus I’ve loved Target (along with Red Robin and that damn Teriyaki Chicken Burger) since I was 15 years old - WAAAY back before that Mr. Mizrahi even KNEW what Target was about. Girl, Target is my homeshop.
If you’ve never been to Target, well, that’s just insane. It’s like saying you’ve never been in the pool or had oral sex at work. It makes one wonder what your parents did to mess you up. EVERYONE has gone to Target. And if you’re one of those people who shops at Wal-Mart or God forbid, K-mart, you shouldn’t even be reading my blog because there’s no way you can relate. So go, shoo, shoo, go read someone’s NASCAR or “Stamping is Fun!” blog.
Anyway, Target is truly this wonderful place that is able to give you a good price on things without you feeling like a bargain shopper. It’s like sleeping with a prostitute that tells you they love you. You know what you’re doing is inherently wrong, but somehow they make you feel good about it. Like I would normally HATE buying Target clothes, and I certainly don’t buy anything that looks specifically Target – you know, like anything that someone would look at and say, “Hey, didn’t you get that at...?” No. I only buy the basics there, the type of thing you wouldn’t necessarily nail down as Target, and I don't feel bad about myself. If an item has some design to it, then I just buy the Real Thing at Nordstrom or something. There’s just some things you don’t skimp on – purses and prostitutes. Always get the best you can afford.
Point is, Target is a wonderful place where one can lose hours, maybe even days, just wandering down the well-organized and well-lit aisles. It’s one of those stores which helps you see things you didn’t even know you needed. Like on Sunday, I walked away with two pairs of pink rabbit ears. I would have NEVER sought out rabbit ears on my own, but suddenly seeing those in Target made me realize just what I was missing. Now I wear them everyday when I drive, and there isn’t one person who won’t let me get over. No more blinker for me, thankyouverymuch!
Target is a place that not only improves your life, but you are actually a better person because you shop there.
But back to my original point: I hate couples shopping in Target.
“Why?” you might ask.
Not only because they are taking up space in one my all-time favorite places, but because they’re annoying. They walk slow. They linger over pickle choices. They stop and talk to other couples in the aisles, making it harder for me to get to my Dole canned Pineapple Chunks in Its Own Juice. They say cute things to each other as I am trying to buy my Yoplait Light Banana Crème yogurt. And worst of all, they make me feel guilty when I am trying to buy low-calorie ice cream around them because I know they are thinking, “We know you’re single because you’re a big fat ass.” Giggle, giggle, giggle!
Yeah, fuck you, CouplePeople.
Don’t get me wrong. I get it. I have actually been the other half of a couple. I’ve actually been one of those people who have to sit on the same side as my beloved in a booth. I have actually gone to the ballet with him and rested my head on his shoulder, with him then resting his head on my head. I have even searched out just a part of his foot with my foot in the bed just so I could be touching part of him as I fell asleep.
But we never shopped at Target together. We knew where to draw the line: Making out in public with some over the blouse action is NOTHING compared to asking in a public store, "Honey, do we have enough milk at home?" GROSS. Get a room!
And so there I was Sunday night at Target, rushing around so I could get back home in time to watch the new episode of “Desperate Housewives” (I love when the men have to take off their shirts in that show! Thank you, ABC!), and those damn CouplePeople were blocking my way in all their “Oh, we’re living together, oh, we’re playing house, oh, what pickles should be pick, shnookums, oh oh oh...” Puke.
There needs to be a couple-free night at Target. You have to come in ALONE and do your shopping like a NORMAL person. Jesus, who wants to grocery shop together? It takes SO LONG. And if you must go together – because you’re on of those poor hippy couples that only has one BioDiesel powered car between the two of you – then friggin’ split up and be efficient about it, for God’s sakes. Let him get the milk, you get the bread, etc. You don’t have to hold hands while choosing what tampon you’re going to buy.
I just really hate couples. And to have them in MY Target, my home, my safe place, is just too much. Get out CouplePeople, get out. Find your own stores. You have the nice loving relationship, you have the happiness and sex - at least give the rest of us Target. It’s the least you could do.
- A
posted by Ashley at 9:41 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home