So close to hot.

I have this really attractive friend, except he’s really not attractive right now because he refuses to do any basic self-maintenance. The man desperately needs to go shopping. As I constantly tell him, in a somewhat supportive way, “You’re like a Porsche covered in mud.”

Caked-on mud. Mud with dog and bird poop mixed in. The kind of mud you need a knife to get out from the sole of your shoes.

Honestly, I am just trying to help. It may sound somewhat mean, but the truth is, I know for a fact he is a $500 shopping trip away from unlimited blow jobs.

But as it stands right now, he’d be lucky to even have a doctor look at his penis.

Now it may seem somewhat profane to use “blow jobs” as some sort of (pardon the pun) measuring stick. However, I’ve found that for most men the mere idea of the POSSIBILITY of a blow job is enough to get them to buy dinner, gifts, and maybe even give a back massage. I’ve seen men mow lawns, fix pipes, and even buy tampons (including Pamprin), all under the guise of that we may put it in our mouth. I even know one guy who is willing to date a woman recently out of a mental institution just because of the blow jobs. It is the ultimate motivator.

But not for this guy. I’ve told him on numerous occasions that if he were to spend around $500, he could have blow jobs without even having to buy Tiramisu. Under all his bad hygiene, homeless-inspired ensembles, God-He-Needs-To-Buy-Some-Moisturizer, there is this really truly hot guy. Yet, he resists. He continues to live a life without good face products, new clothes, and items which make him smell nice. He continues to refuse to be hot. And for what? To not spend $500? Wouldn’t we all spend $500 shopping to be hot?

Take Paris Hilton for example. Before the plastic surgery, she was a pretty homely girl – and this was a girl who had unlimited access to funds, and still was the type of girl you’d ask to lay face down and to leave the lights OFF. And now, even after plastic surgery, if you take away the makeup, stylist and PhotoShop filters, she’s still pretty bad. Maybe you could leave the lights on, but you’d still want her facing down. But damn if she doesn’t do the best with what she was given.

My other favorite example is Sarah Jessica Parker. Great body, but that face – I mean, really. Mathew Broderick must REALLY not be a face-man. But despite a cruel beauty fate, she can pull off being attractive. $600 shoes, $1000 skirts, $2500 blouses, celebrity stylist, LaMer face products, a miracle-worker makeup artist, and a phased approach to plastic surgery has made this woman what she is today – a fashion and beauty icon. Her heroic efforts in the face of such physical challenges should be an inspiration to us all to truly do everything in our power to be our best.

Even just last night I spent $250 (not including tip) on basic beauty maintenance. Facial, eyebrow wax, special mask, eyebrow tint and a $150 bottle of eyelash growth stuff. Yes, ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS for a little bottle of an eyelash stuff that will help make my eyelashes grow longer. And if this works, then hot damn, I got a bargain.

Just to give you an idea of the basics, here’s what I’ve spent in the past 3 months on beauty and how long each items lasts:

Facial, brow tint, wax (3 times; I do once a month) - $300
Eyelash growth (last 6+ months) - $150
Perricone night cream and eye cream (lasts 3+ months) - $145
Nails (3 times, which isn’t a lot – I should do twice a month) - $200
Haircut (every 2-3 months) - $78
Makeup upkeep (New Chanel compact, basics from MAC – 4-5 months) - $110
Erno Lazlo facial soap (3 months) - $25
Kiehls body wash (2 months) - $15
The Body Shoppe Body Butter (2 jars = 2 months) - $35
Shampoo/conditioner (big sizes – lasts 6 months) - $125

And in a month, I will need to spend another $40/bottle on my daily moisturizer, plus another $30 on razors, and $20 on Lubriderm basic lotion. But I don’t complain – it’s just the cost of living. Getting upset over spending money on self-maintenance would be like getting annoyed over buying food – it’s just something you have to do.

I truly believe that you have a moral duty to do the best with whatever you’ve been given, and in the case of my friend, he’s been given a lot. He’s tall, he’s dark, he has amazing bone structure, he’s built-well, great nose, beautiful eyes – all the makings of a heartthrob, but he is just tossing it all away. And for what? He has told me that he doesn’t want to be, and I quote, “Yuppie Scum.” A nice sentiment (albeit a bit dated) but it’s a bad argument against self-maintenance. I don’t believe that one goes to the dark side simply by using soap and water (and a good Dermalogica moisturizer). That one doesn’t sell one’s soul merely by wearing cute Diesel shoes. That wearing jeans by 7 for Mankind isn’t supporting our nation’s dependence on oil. A Yuppie isn’t defined by what he wears, but by what he thinks. While a Yuppie may have all the material trappings, these are merely the symptoms, and certainly not the cause, of this type of mentality. A BMW SUV doth not make the man.

Take gay men for instance. While many might argue that somehow being gay makes you better looking, it’s simply not true. What gay men have realized is that they won’t get blow jobs if they don’t look good. Given this cold hard fact, gay men do everything in their power to take whatever they’ve been given, and make it the closest thing to a watching a real Jeff Stryker movie (cultural reference, look it up). Gay men know that men are ultimately shallow beings and that if they want to get some, they better put some serious work in – and they do. They know just using Irish Spring isn’t going to cut it. Looking good takes effort and a financial investment. Unfortunately for straight men, us woman are way too forgiving and will have sex with them just because they are “funny” or “have a good personality.” Lame. (Remind me to write a whole separate blog on how women must unite to fight against lazy straight men that make no effort because they can still get some. We cannot continue to reinforce this type of behavior!)

But in the case of my friend, even a straight woman would think twice (and do at least three or four tequila shots) before choosing to engage in coitus with him. While he certainly has a great personality and is very funny, that alone cannot negate white flakes on dark clothing. As someone who has dated their fair share of homely men, there are some physical attributes that one cannot get over, and an abundance of skin flakes is one of them. Talk about an orgasm-killer.

The point of all of this is that unlike most people, he is only a quick shopping trip away. $500 and he’d have people reading his MySpace blog for more than to read his brooding words. They’d be checking his relationship status, and reading his testimonials to see who he is sleeping with, and posting messages like, “Hey! Great seeing you the other night! We should get coffee sometime...” (Read: I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO GIVE YOU A BLOW JOB)

When life has made it this easy on you, go shopping. Do your best to look your best. It’s not a choice, it’s a moral imperative.

Plus you'll get blow jobs.

- A