Costco Peace of Mind
I was shopping at Costco the other day, and I was walking around carrying a 24-pack of low-moisture mozzarella string cheese and six EPT tests and I thought, “I should really start writing in my shopping blog again.”
So here I am, back after a long hiatus, ready to write about my life which seems to center around shopping for food, clothes, and pregnancy tests.
I bet you want to ask, “Why were you buying 24 mozzarella string cheeses?” Well, first of all, each string cheese is like only 80 calories, offers 7 grams of protein, and serves as a wonderful snack. Second of all, my live-in-boyfriend and I eat them constantly. (Yes, I now live with a real life man – he has a penis and everything.)
And now maybe you’re wondering about the six EPT’s (AKA “Early Pregnancy Tests”). Is Ashley trying to get pregnant? Is she having mass unprotected sex? Does she enjoy peeing on a piece of plastic and watching the blue line appear?
No, I am simply extremely paranoid about getting pregnant. In fact, I am terrified of even the IDEA of being pregnant. Despite being on birth control and currently having a sex drive that would justify my boyfriend hiring consorts, I am still convinced that I can get pregnant just being near a man. I am afraid that men have rogue sperm that can transverse any sort of environment, somehow enter my vagina, and hook up with my waiting-to-be-fertilized egg. Now that I am living with a real life man and his real life penis, I am even more paranoid that these sperm will have even greater opportunity for a sneak attack now that I am in constant close proximity to a highly-virile (viral?) man.
Fortunately, the cost of six EPT tests is like only $30, versus the normal $15 pharmacy cost PER each test. This is a savings of at least $60. Paranoia was never cheaper.
It seems silly to spend money on these tests, I know. It’s like I missed out on every sex education class that was offered during elementary, middle, and high school which clearly stated just being near a penis won’t get you pregnant. But as any hypochondriac will tell you, “Better safe than sorry.” And I would be very sorry if I were pregnant.
I don’t want kids. It’s not that I don’t like them – I do, I like them very much. But I also really like a good movie. And I like it for about two hours, and then I want to go do something else. But unlike a movie, with kids you can’t just leave during the credits and exit the theater. Kids require constant attention in the form of food, shelter, and emotional support – something I am not convinced I could do for an ongoing time period. I was able to keep one plant alive for around 5 years, but even the plant had a few emergency interventions from my mother who had to take the plant away from me and nurse it back to health after I forgot to water it for, I dunno, 6-22 weeks.
I’ve told people this and they’ve said, “But kids let you know when they are hungry!” Ah yes, that. The noise. The crying. The constant neediness. This is exactly what I don’t want – I can barely deal with my own noise, crying and neediness, much less that of another person.
My boyfriend and I have had many discussions about having children, and fortunately, he seems to be on the same page as I am – string cheese good, kids bad. I think this might be due to the fact that he’s seen my neglectful lifestyle ways and doesn’t want the mother of his child to forget about his child like I forget about the bathtub. For men considering having children, a good rule of thumb is not to have children with a woman who doesn’t clean her tub. Just FYI.
In my ongoing campaign to keep my boyfriend anti-kid, my next purchase is going to be old episodes of “Hart to Hart” – a fun-filled dramedy show from the 80’s where a rich, childless couple solved mysteries in their spare time between tennis lessons and dinner parties. Mrs. Hart had a fabulous yellow Mercedes convertible, and Mr. Hart was always tan and happy. They even had a butler man named Max who took care of the one dog they owned.
Perfect. Ideal. And once my boyfriend watches these episodes, he will know just how great our life can be without kids. We just need a Mercedes, a houseman, and some occasional mysteries to solve.
I think I can pick-up the Mercedes and houseman at Costco, but I'll need to check about the mystery. Not all stores carry it.
So here I am, back after a long hiatus, ready to write about my life which seems to center around shopping for food, clothes, and pregnancy tests.
I bet you want to ask, “Why were you buying 24 mozzarella string cheeses?” Well, first of all, each string cheese is like only 80 calories, offers 7 grams of protein, and serves as a wonderful snack. Second of all, my live-in-boyfriend and I eat them constantly. (Yes, I now live with a real life man – he has a penis and everything.)
And now maybe you’re wondering about the six EPT’s (AKA “Early Pregnancy Tests”). Is Ashley trying to get pregnant? Is she having mass unprotected sex? Does she enjoy peeing on a piece of plastic and watching the blue line appear?
No, I am simply extremely paranoid about getting pregnant. In fact, I am terrified of even the IDEA of being pregnant. Despite being on birth control and currently having a sex drive that would justify my boyfriend hiring consorts, I am still convinced that I can get pregnant just being near a man. I am afraid that men have rogue sperm that can transverse any sort of environment, somehow enter my vagina, and hook up with my waiting-to-be-fertilized egg. Now that I am living with a real life man and his real life penis, I am even more paranoid that these sperm will have even greater opportunity for a sneak attack now that I am in constant close proximity to a highly-virile (viral?) man.
Fortunately, the cost of six EPT tests is like only $30, versus the normal $15 pharmacy cost PER each test. This is a savings of at least $60. Paranoia was never cheaper.
It seems silly to spend money on these tests, I know. It’s like I missed out on every sex education class that was offered during elementary, middle, and high school which clearly stated just being near a penis won’t get you pregnant. But as any hypochondriac will tell you, “Better safe than sorry.” And I would be very sorry if I were pregnant.
I don’t want kids. It’s not that I don’t like them – I do, I like them very much. But I also really like a good movie. And I like it for about two hours, and then I want to go do something else. But unlike a movie, with kids you can’t just leave during the credits and exit the theater. Kids require constant attention in the form of food, shelter, and emotional support – something I am not convinced I could do for an ongoing time period. I was able to keep one plant alive for around 5 years, but even the plant had a few emergency interventions from my mother who had to take the plant away from me and nurse it back to health after I forgot to water it for, I dunno, 6-22 weeks.
I’ve told people this and they’ve said, “But kids let you know when they are hungry!” Ah yes, that. The noise. The crying. The constant neediness. This is exactly what I don’t want – I can barely deal with my own noise, crying and neediness, much less that of another person.
My boyfriend and I have had many discussions about having children, and fortunately, he seems to be on the same page as I am – string cheese good, kids bad. I think this might be due to the fact that he’s seen my neglectful lifestyle ways and doesn’t want the mother of his child to forget about his child like I forget about the bathtub. For men considering having children, a good rule of thumb is not to have children with a woman who doesn’t clean her tub. Just FYI.
In my ongoing campaign to keep my boyfriend anti-kid, my next purchase is going to be old episodes of “Hart to Hart” – a fun-filled dramedy show from the 80’s where a rich, childless couple solved mysteries in their spare time between tennis lessons and dinner parties. Mrs. Hart had a fabulous yellow Mercedes convertible, and Mr. Hart was always tan and happy. They even had a butler man named Max who took care of the one dog they owned.
Perfect. Ideal. And once my boyfriend watches these episodes, he will know just how great our life can be without kids. We just need a Mercedes, a houseman, and some occasional mysteries to solve.
I think I can pick-up the Mercedes and houseman at Costco, but I'll need to check about the mystery. Not all stores carry it.
posted by Ashley at 1:19 PM
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