Okay, I have a problem.

I shop too much.

I just spent the past two hours going through my closet in my ongoing preparation for the move to Chicago this week.

Let me start by saying the obvious: I own a lot of clothes. It’s shocking and a bit offensive to own so much I don't even use. Talk about feeling like a Republican.

16% of my clothes still have the tags on them and have never been worn.
24% of my clothes have been worn once.
35% of my clothes I rarely wear.
14% of my clothes I only wear at night.
1% of my clothes are for, uh, in-house costume events.

The remaining 10% comprises what I would wear to work.

That still leaves me with about 100 items of clothing. (Yes, Kirk, that means I have 1000 items of clothing, good job.)

Side note: My friend Kirk is one of those guys who will actually check your math, your spelling, and the facts surrounding things that just simply don’t need to be verified. Click here for an example of such pointless fact-finding missions.

But back to me and my important life:

I have cleared out one huge closet, and 10 drawers. I have thrown away old socks, weird underwear, and I am wondering what the hell made me ever wear those jeans.

As a result, I now have a huge black trash bag full of clothes to give away. I have two clothing bags full of clothes I am hoping the people at Buffalo Exchange will buy.

Side note two: I am scared to go down to Buffalo Exchange. There’s nothing worse than some emaciated hipster going through your clothes and determining if they are cool or not. Part of me wants to accidentally put in a “Go NRA” t-shirt in my pile or a “Go Bush in ’04!” G-string – not that I own that stuff, but I would be willing to buy it just to upset the dirty little hipster chick who will undoubtedly make me question my coolness, my weight and my non-organic eating habits.

I also have a box I’ve created called “Lost 40lbs and these can be yours again”. It is a large (ha ha) size U-Haul box and the box itself currently weighs, ironically enough, around 40lbs. While cleaning out my closet, I found an immense number of clothes that I love, but can’t wear due to my current size. I decided to create a separate storage place for these clothes as some sort of symbolic motivating tool. I am hoping that staring at this box will be enough to entice me back to my size 4-6 days when my body alone was enough to get me some of that 20-somethin' action, versus now where I have to use a lot of cash and booze just to get them to come over and play Xbox.

The other weird thing I found in my closet was “Amnesia Clothes”. These are clothes you don’t even remember you own, and sometimes you actually end up buying the same thing months or years later, completely forgetting you even own that. I once spent 2+ weeks shopping for some silver shoes, only to realize one day I actually owned the very same silver shoes I wanted to buy. Today I found these black pair of pants which I almost bought almost the exact same pair week ago.

This is like almost sleeping with the same guy again, thinking that he’s someone new. (Some people refer to this as “Oops, I slept with my ex because I was really horny”). You just don’t do this. It’s very important to remember the clothes you own and the people with whom you’ve had coitus. Like the old saying sorta goes, “If you forget history, you are doomed to repeat it.”

Of course, this rule doesn’t always apply because sometimes ex’s get hotter after you break up and some pants you really should own two of the almost exact same style, but as a general guideline, I think it works.

Side note three: There’s some weird hippy outside my window right now drawing some sort of chalk art in my ally for the rest of his hippy brood. My God, how do these people live? Do you think it’s all the flaxseed they eat that makes their men have ponytails into their 40's? Do you think they own a lot of clothes or sleep with their ex’s in a desperate act to feel whole again?

I must get back to my closet and finish the fun task of sorting the past, making plans for the future, and figuring out which t-shirt the snotty ass Buffalo Exchange Junior Buyer will find cool enough to give me a $1.50.

I need to buy less, wear what I have, and only sleep with new people.

- A