I love Cartier

I received the Cartier catalogue today. I am not sure how I got on that mailing list, but I am eternally grateful to whatever mailing database designated me as the kind person who not only appreciates Cartier, but who also somehow has the means to purchase their jewelry. As someone in their prime marriage years, it’s important that I start thinking about these things, as it is highly likely that I will be swept off my feet at any moment and presented with a big rock.

Years ago, I used to think that I didn’t want a big engagement ring. I thought, “How silly to spend so much money on a RING. I mean, really. With that money, you could buy into some aggressive stock fund.”

Yeah, I know. I can hardly believe I ever thought that way. It’s like remembering that you had a crush on some guy with a mullet. Regardless of the guy, it was still a mullet. There are lines you don’t cross. And no mutual fund beats out a big-ass engagement ring.

As much as I am frightened by the idea of marriage, I am even more frightened of the proposal. I am frightened that I will be in a relationship, and that moment will come where he is to ask me to spend the rest of his life with him, and it will be a totally wrong moment.

Like we’ll be in a restaurant.
And it will be Valentine’s day.
And the ring will be dropped in a champagne glass.
And worst of all, it will be from Shane & Co. Not only do I now have a shitty ring, I now have a friend in the diamond business.

I know this all sounds incredibly shallow, and frankly, it is. It’s one of those personality traits I’ve come to terms with – I am, in many ways, a very shallow person. I like foreign automobiles, little dogs, and Cartier jewelry. So sue me.

I am sure my dear friend Ed is reading this right now and cursing loudly, probably so loud that he’s waking up his roommate. He is saying, “If it’s about the ring, then fuck that bitch.” An interesting sentiment, but one that is not bound to get him laid if he were to make the mistake of getting an I3 .5 carat ring in 14kt gold from Wal-Mart. Brother, please. The ring is important, and if you want your bride-to-be to ever perform fellatio again, I suggest finding the best damn ring you can.

A friend of my recently got engaged. Prior to her engagement, she and her boyfriend had many arguments over the ring – she wanted a big one, and he said he couldn’t afford it.
However, upon further research and use of the A Diamond Is Forever Web site guidelines, (http://www.adiamondisforever.com/ring/spend.html), it became abundantly clear that not only could he afford the ring, but that she was actually asking less than the guidelines required. Ha, take that!

Long story short, she did get her ring, and I am sure he was well- rewarded for his efforts. At some point he realized that this wasn’t a battle about money, it was a battle about giving the person you love something they loved. And that if you can't afford it – which he could (Hello Visa!)– then dammit, go without that new car, satellite radio, or fancy new Razr cell phone. Make the sacrifices you need to and get her the ring she wants. After all, if you two are spending the rest of your life together (or even the next 19 months), at least give her the option to glance over at her left hand and use the sparkle and beauty of that ring to justify your penis being in her mouth.

I am a die-hard romantic. I long to find my soul mate, to look into the eyes of a man I truly love, and that loves me. I want to be with someone with whom I can, in the words of Kahil Gibran, “...stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” I desire a partnership of love, respect and unwavering loyalty to the dreams and goals of our lives.

I want a Cartier ring. Solitaire 1895. Platinum. Round-cut. Minimum 2-carats. FL clarity. And a very pretty red Cartier box.

- A